Learning to deal with disappointments in life

I was so damn pissed that night that I lost my cool.

I knew that the acknowledgement list included staff who helped with the sampling coordination, but not me. I knew that my name was not on the acknowledgement list in the closed door review presentation, even though I contributed 50% of those data. I thought the research fellow who prepared the slides forgot to add my name. So I gave him the benefit of doubt that he forgot to add my name on it. In fact, I never really put it to heart, except to treat it as a complaint to be dismissed eventually.

But when he blurted out that he was the one who removed my name, I was so damn pissed that I totally lost my front, and reprimanded him for taking people for granted. Not once, but twice, maybe thrice that I said that sentence right in front of him.

And no reasons given. He just said, "Well, at least your name was on the poster presented in the conference. And it was a closed door session, so I removed your name." As nonchalant as it sounded, as hurting as it can be.

Later that evening, he dismissed again my contributions made in securing his recent grant. He said that towards the end, I sounded as if the draft was the best I can do, and he should do the rest for me. Was that really what he thought? That all success he has now was because of him, and no one else?

Why?!Why?!Why?!Why?!

What's the point ?!

First oral presentation

I made my first oral presentation this morning at the Global Conference on Microbial Contaminants in Drinking Water. It was a nerve-wrecking affair at the start, especially when you think someone sitting next to you may hear the heart racing fast. But when I stepped onto the stage and looked around, the heart slowed down to a serene pace and all I did was to make sure I get my message across. I think I did. It helped that there was only about 30-40 people in the room. Some big shots, but they looked pretty friendly.

It was a satisfying experience when you have delivered what you wanted. At the wrap-up session, one of the panel quoted my presentation and it was rather pleasing to the ears to hear that. Boss gave a "pretty good presentation" remark. That's quite a feat already, considering it is hard to squeeze any compliments from him.

My three times rule

The first time happened when I was sitting casually on the sofa and watching the CNN news on the flat screen TV. Boss suddenly smiled and said XX sent him a new year greeting. Over the sms, she was telling him that she is currently at NY and wished him and his family a merry new year ahead. I thought that was nice of her, until I checked my mobile and realized that she didn't include me in the greetings. Apparently, she has foreseen that I won't have a happy 2009.

The second time was when I asked for XX's help to bank in my check. The check was sent in

July and will expire in Oct. Ever the helpful person, she agreed to help me. After a month of waiting, the check was still not banked in. In Aug, I received an email from her asking me if I know ZR's email address. She would like to send an email to ZR and ask if he has received the snail mail she has helped Boss to send out. Ohh...what enthusiasm....until I recall my check was still not banked in yet.

A few weeks ago, I finally decided to ask her the pending status of my check, explaining to her that the check will expire in Oct. She apologized and said she will remind the other person (XY) holding on to my check to pass it to her, and she will proceed to bank it in for me asap. Today, I checked with XY only to realize that my check is still with XY and XX has apparently forgotten to remind her about it.

If XX has forgotten about everything, it's ok. But selective memory in favor of one person is not. I know I am nobody in comparison to Boss. But, it doesn't mean I will tolerate this for the third time. Apparently, I am counting on such instances to happen for the third time. And that will be the ultimatum.

When you try to aim for the stars, you can fall off the cliff.

Ouch!

Endless waiting

Yes, I made a mistake. I took a J-1 visa that bound me to Singapore for the next 2 years, unless the unbelievably inefficient United States of Customs and Immigration Services (USCIS) grant me my waiver.

Since March, I have been waiting and waiting and waiting. First came the favorable recommendation letter from US Department of States. And I thought that's it. Turned out so wrong. Now I am still waiting for the final decision from USCIS.

I am so sick of the endless waiting. It feels terrible to wait for something that is so out of my own control. Maybe I should just give it up. It's not going to be the end of everything right? But if I give up, I won't be happy for the next few years.

Life sucks at certain moments. This is one of those moments.

A new milestone

Yesterday marks a new milestone.
It wasn't a smooth-sailing 5 yrs. But the various events made it even more memorable.
The beginning's the toughest, and it's a miracle my sanity is still with me at that time.
There were times when I felt lost. Even though I may not seem so.
I lost count of hours, days, weeks, months and years. It seems as if all of these happened only yesterday.
I always think I am the lucky soul. It's as if everything's well-planned out for me.
I have many to thank. But words cannot describe my gratitude.

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His words served as stern reminders that stayed with me till now.

"You are not thinking for yourself. It's as if I am thinking for you. And that should NOT be the way for a PhD." -- Boss in 2005, a few days before my OQE.
"Don't keep mentioning about Dr Wu. You are too reliant on him." -- Boss in 2006, before I left Singapore for a 4 months stint in Taiwan.

Those were the words that I so badly wanted to prove wrong.

Many people hate him. At times, I hated him too. But sometimes, he can be a nice soul.

A 2h chat at the airport to go through my slides. That cup of caffe latte. And his deep belief that it will be a good oral presentation in the end.

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There are also others who gave me useful reminders.

"Publish as early as you can. You don't want to scramble around desperately during your last year." --Dr Wu
"I've seen you talk to people in Cairns. I know what you can deliver. You should bring out that standard for your oral presentation. "--Prof Saunders

Of course, not forgetting the lab friends I have befriended during these 5 yrs. Thank you to all my dearest lab friends who believe that I can definitely make it.

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On the day of my oral defense, I wrote on my palm: Be yourself. Enjoy it.
I did.

Ratio of your index and ring finger

I chanced upon this very interesting point on the internet: the ratio in the length of your index and ring (2D:4D ratio) finger may be a good indication of the level of testosterone that you are exposed to at birth. Testosterone is a hormone that generally brings about masculine traits. And it was scientifically shown through a large sampling cohort that a higher exposure to testosterone will bring about a lower 2D:4D ratio (a ratio of 0.96 as an appropriate benchmark).

An obvious correlation between homosexuality and testosterone level can be formulated. Interestingly, a higher exposure to testosterone at birth may also be linked to medical conditions such as autism. In contrast, a lower exposure to testosterone at birth may be linked to anxiety disorders.

Abstract

Children with autism have a relatively shorter index finger (2D) compared with their ring finger (4D). It is often presumed that the 2D:4D ratio is associated with fetal testosterone levels and that high fetal testosterone levels could play a role in the aetiology of autism. It is unknown whether this effect is specific to autism. In this study, 2D:4D ratios of 144 males aged 6 to 14 years (mean age 9y 1mo [SD 1y 11mo]) with psychiatric disorders were compared with those of 96 males aged 6 to 13 years from the general population (mean age 9y 1mo [SD 1y 10mo]). Psychiatric disorders were divided into autism/Asperger syndrome (n=24), pervasive developmental disorder–not otherwise specified (PDD–NOS; n=26), attention-deficit–hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)/oppositional defiant disorder (ODD; n=68), and anxiety disorders (n=26). Males with autism/Asperger syndrome (p<0.05) and ADHD/ODD (p<0.05) had significantly lower (though not significantly; p=0.52) ratios than males with an anxiety disorder, and males with autism/Asperger syndrome had lower ratios than those in the comparison group. These results indicated that higher fetal testosterone levels may play a role, not only in the origin of autism, but also in the aetiology of PDD–NOS and of ADHD/ODD. Males with anxiety disorders might have been exposed to lower prenatal testosterone levels.

Furthermore, the testosterone level also seems to affect hand preference.

Abstract

The finger length ratio (2D:4D) is a biomarker for the prenatal levels of testosterone. The prenatal effects of testosterone on the development of brain hemispheres are considered as a key factor in the etiology of left-handedness. We tested whether 2D:4D correlates with the type of handedness in males (18 right-handers and 18 left-handers). Right hand 2D:4D, left hand 2D:4D, average 2D:4D, and the difference between right and left 2D:4D (D(r-l)) were compared. The value of D(r-l) in left-handers was significantly lower than D(r-l) in right-handers. This result can be interpreted as proof that left-handers were subjected to higher levels of testosterone in utero.

Clearly, I can go on forever….but before I knock you asleep, go measure your 2D:4D ratio and let me know your sexuality, your hand preference and social skill. You may opt out of declaring your sexuality if you prefer to remain in the closet.

Excerpts from the speech given by President Obama on April 27, 2009 at the National Academy of Sciences Annual Meeting.

On the apparent lack of good educational program for Sci and Maths: " Our schools continue to trail other developed countries and, in some cases, developing countries. Our students are outperformed in math and science by their peers in Singapore, Japan, England, the Netherlands, Hong Kong, and Korea, among others. Another assessment shows American 15-year-olds ranked 25th in math and 21st in science when compared to nations around the world. And we have watched as scientific integrity has been undermined and scientific research politicized in an effort to advance predetermined ideological agendas."

On a defining goal that is truly important for climate change: "But energy is our great project, this generation's great project. And that's why I've set a goal for our nation that we will reduce our carbon pollution by more than 80 percent by 2050. And that is why -- (applause) -- and that is why I'm pursuing, in concert with Congress, the policies that will help meet us -- help us meet this goal."

On why most scientists voted for Democrats in year 2008: "Next, we are restoring science to its rightful place. On March 9th, I signed an executive memorandum with a clear message: Under my administration, the days of science taking a back seat to ideology are over. (Applause.) Our progress as a nation –- and our values as a nation –- are rooted in free and open inquiry. To undermine scientific integrity is to undermine our democracy. It is contrary to our way of life. (Applause.) "

On my key research areas:" In biomedicine, just to give you an example of what PCAST can do, we can harness the historic convergence between life sciences and physical sciences that's underway today; undertaking public projects -- in the spirit of the Human Genome Project -- to create data and capabilities that fuel discoveries in tens of thousands of laboratories; and identifying and overcoming scientific and bureaucratic barriers to rapidly translating scientific breakthroughs into diagnostics and therapeutics that serve patients.

In environmental science, it will require strengthening our weather forecasting, our Earth observation from space, the management of our nation's land, water and forests, and the stewardship of our coastal zones and ocean fisheries."

Memorable quotes:

1) For we must always remember that somewhere in America there's an entrepreneur seeking a loan to start a business that could transform an industry -- but she hasn't secured it yet. There's a researcher with an idea for an experiment that might offer a new cancer treatment -– but he hasn't found the funding yet. There's a child with an inquisitive mind staring up at the night sky. And maybe she has the potential to change our world –- but she doesn't know it yet.

2) As you know, scientific discovery takes far more than the occasional flash of brilliance –- as important as that can be. Usually, it takes time and hard work and patience; it takes training; it requires the support of a nation. But it holds a promise like no other area of human endeavor.

3) And some truths fill us with awe. Others force us to question long-held views. Science can't answer every question, and indeed, it seems at times the more we plumb the mysteries of the physical world, the more humble we must be. Science cannot supplant our ethics or our values, our principles or our faith. But science can inform those things and help put those values -- these moral sentiments, that faith -- can put those things to work -- to feed a child, or to heal the sick, to be good stewards of this Earth.

The misinterpreted expression of youth?

I was out with my friend yesterday and we took a long bus ride back home. When we got on the bus, it was full of people and we were made to sit apart from each other. I happen to sit down to a gal whom I thought was fast asleep. Once I sat down, a young lady listening to ipod started laughing crazily at me. I was puzzled but I paid no heed to her. Just then, the gal sitting next to me started going "crazy" and performed some weirdo hip-hop or ghost-possessed dance. She then put on a messed up wig, tapped me lightly on my shoulder and seeked for my attention. When I turned to look at that possessed gal, the young lady listening to ipod screamed, "You are sitting next to a monster!" I'm glad I thought it wasn't at all amusing, and all I could muster was a darn cynical smirk at that messed-up soul. Eventually, she got no fun out of me and gave up her seat to my friend so that we could sit together. But that didn't stop her from making a mess of herself. She continued dancing that ghost-possessed, god-knows-what thingy for the passengers in the double decker bus.
My friend couldn't help but wonder aloud if they are high on drugs?

This crap made me think of the recent incident that happened in Holland Village. A PhD student basked in full glory with her boyfriend, and chatting up with people at Wala Wala. When she turned up in court, she doesn't want to face the TV crew and chose to hide her face with a ducky umbrella. A ducky umbrella?! Is she trying to make a light-hearted joke out of this? Honestly speaking, I don't want to sound like a typical Singaporean who makes a big fuss out of this. I know this is a conservative society. Sometimes, we need to loosen up a bit and make jokes out of daily life. People call this a liberal expression of self-rights. And I concur with that. I'm sure they don't deserve a jail term. And so when it turned out that they were fined only 2K, I thought it was a just sentence. After all, they should realize that the opportunity cost involved in this act is worth more than 2K.

Are we misinterpreting what is the true definition of expressing our own rights?
To me, expressing our own views and be responsible towards it is very important. And that includes accepting all possible consequences that tag along with it. A lot of people promise this and that, but never deliver. You can call this bullshitting. Others hesitate in making promises, but try their best to prove through solid actions. I respect the latter. Unfortunately, this society seems to recognize the former but not the latter. So do we have to be loud to tell the others who we are?

I am who I am.

Post graduate students are merely slaves to be exploited by the oh-so-mighty advisors.
They slog like hell and often remain unappreciated for all the work they have done. Advisors talk to collaborators and spin up tonnes of bullshit, which in turn gets hurled to the students. The student works to get some sense out from the bullshit, and emails it to advisor. Instead of saying a THANKS (which is the most precious word in the entire universe, judging by how hard it is to get one to say it), the advisor sends to the collaborators directly. Without even acknowledging the presence of the slave.
The oh-so-mercenary collaborator thanked the advisor and forgot who was the one who churned out the data.
Maybe a maid feels even more appreciated.

Self-motivation

"You have all my strengths, but the problem is you do not succeed me in these strengths, and thus they become ur liabilities"

Update

XZ just reminded me that some friends keep track of my whereabouts using this blog, especially for those who don't meet up that often. So I guess I should keep a dilligent effort to keep this blog alive.
Well, for those who don't know, I am back from US for about two weeks already. It's amazing how 4 months just went by. It's a pity I missed the spring. I always seem to miss the spring. The budding flowers and fresh greens would be a nice sight that remind us of the wonders of life.
It's good to be back home and meet up with friends. It's great to stay home and I don't have to do housework on Sundays! It's nice to be back at NUS where I get a big table on my own. The only thing is that I have a neighbour sitting next to my desk. Damn it. Doesn't he respect privacy? There are other tables elsewhere, for goodness sake.
I've finally got internet at home. Somehow, I must be the most sua ku person in Singapore because I just realize there is a thing called Mobile Broadband. I'm always the type who thinks that routers and broadband stations are the ugliest thing on earth. And when I saw those mobile broadband modems, I was simply amazed. So the next day after I learnt about this, I signed up for it. So now I am, blogging at the comforts of my home.
My parents aren't too used that I am going to stay home all day on Sundays. Afterall, I haven't done so since I started my PhD. What the hell was I doing all these 5 yrs?!

How much is a postdoc worth?

An interesting excerpt from EMBO reports

"They are the perfect workforce—young, mobile and fully prepared to work the sort of hours that would immediately send labourers in any industrialized country out on strike. They are willing to move around the world from one assignment to the next and, last but not least, they come cheap. These are not poor, migrant, manual workers, desperate to earn money to send home to their families in less-developed countries. This perfect workforce is an army of highly skilled, well-educated young professionals, often with more than 10 years of rigorous training at top universities worldwide: they are postdoctoral fellows. These underpaid, hard-working labourers represent the most creative members of the academic research community and possibly the most valuable intellectual capital of today's knowledge-based societies.

There is also a striking discrepancy between their value and their rights. While politicians and economists continue to stress the immense value of research in the natural sciences and the knowledge gleaned from it, this seems to mean little when it comes to funding the people who do the bulk of the work. To Sydney Cambridge, an American postdoc working at the Max-Planck-Institute for neurological science in Munich, Germany, 'it is incomprehensible that you spend 10 years of your life educating yourself and then you are earning the same amount as a bus driver'. He feels that although his salary is adequate for his own personal needs, it does not reflect the level of training he received and is too low. Indeed, the meagre level of postdoc salaries has been a recurring theme over the past few decades, but it is only now that science is beginning to feel the squeeze. The number of students opting to study natural sciences is decreasing, and senior scientists and politicians fear that academic research will soon face a real labour shortage.



A quote from an interviewee
'It is incomprehensible that you spend 10 years of your life educating yourself and then you are earning the same amount as a bus driver'

Destined to be poor forever....

What the heck is Linux?

Seriously, I don't understand why the important analytical softwares are designed to work better on Linux platforms. I know Linux is a open-source freeware and so on..BUT, the point is: they are damn hard to work with. So you can design an excellent software and the commands are like darn hard to input.
Why?! Why?! Why must researchers flaunt their so-called intelligence and make my life so miserable? Why?!!

The caged bird

The door to the cage was opened.
But the bird that spent its past 5 years in the cage did not know what to do.
The master prodded the cage and asked it to fly away.
But the bird hesitated, unsure of the future.
It's time to leave the comfort zone, he says.
Was it gratitude, sadness, or anxiety that was stirred up in the bird's mind?
Casting the last glance back, the bird wonders if its clipped wings can really bring it far.

Arctic front and 5 inches of snow

Yes, I know I have survived Finland before. But it's still a terrible ordeal to face the cold. And I'm talking about -23C freaking cold. This week, Illinois was gripped by a cold front that came down from the Arctic and Canada. Overnight on Tuesday-Wednesday, more than 5 inches of thick snow came down and the whole place was covered by snow (again). Temperature dipped to -17C and on Thursday, it fell again to approx -23C. This low temperature remained till Friday. It's a terrible feeling....when the breath runs short because of the cold dry air. And when the upper thighs become cold and numb. I simply "love" winter.

Happy new year 2009!

It's the new year again! To celebrate the start of the year, I took the day off from work and joined a bus trip down to Tuscola factory outlet. This factory outlet is the nearest to Urbana Champaign (about 30 min ride). It's located in the middle of nowhere and so it's not considered the best of US factory outlets. In fact, most Americans think it sucks. No Abercrombie and Fitch, no Banana Republic, no Timberland...etc etc. But guess what? After many months of no shopping, I had great fun splurging money there!


Tuscola Factory Outlet

The Coach there is pretty good (like what most reviews say). It's always packed with women (the guys sit at the bench right next to the door, looking awfully bored). I was entrusted with the important task of helping SW find her wristlet. Although the designs are rather limited in the factory store, most items are 60% cheaper than the retail prices!


Coach factory store at Tuscola. It's pretty chaotic inside.


These are the bags accumulated halfway through the shopping trip. Old Navy, Gap, Samsonite. There are a few other bags hidden within.

In the end, it was a total 331 USD spent in merely 6h!


Left to right: Old Navy coat, Gap pink card holder (hidden in the corner) Old Navy scarf, Nike running shoes, Coach mini skinny purse, Samsonite blue yacht tote, Reebok purple backpack, Tommy Hilfiger striped sweater, Gap brown sweater (2 designs), Gap jeans...and many other miscellaneous bodycare lotions not shown in the photo.

I must be crazy!