Negativity

My colleague said that I have been very negative lately, which makes working with me a chore. I was rather hurt by that statement. Have I been really negative? He said that the experiments that I am doing are initiated without questions and without the scientific inquisitive mind in place. In my defense, I am interested to learn some new techniques in a biochemistry lab. It’s out of my own current expertise, and I am trying to learn as much as possible. It reminds me of the days when I first started my PhD – learning as much as possible without a clear question in mind. But as I acquired the techniques, I feel more apt to formulate the questions and use the right tools to answer those questions. Isn’t it the same as now? Maybe I can still formulate the questions at this stage, which I did, but was reluctant to follow through the questions with a more systematic experimental design. In my defense again, it is tough for me given my 2 months old foundation in biochemical characterization. Maybe he’s right – I am not a good scientist. I always thought I should be one, given how far I am right now. But I think I am not good enough. Have I lost the passion for science? Do I even have passion for it in the first place?
I was also hurt by the fact that he singled me out for being negative. Maybe because of my facial expression at that moment – at the thought of having to repeat all the things I did in a tedious manner, and sacrifice my chances of learning new things. Maybe because I couldn’t take it lying when he reprimanded me in that almighty tone in front of another postdoc. Maybe it’s because I have been displaying the don’t-come-and-bother- me attitude lately. But I’ve been tired, homesick, and felt sidelined. I need a break. I want to leave and yet I can’t leave to embark my next phase - the phase I have been looking forward to. And now, I am trapped here, feeling negative, feeling that I don’t belong. I admit that I am always a negative person. And maybe this negative energy affected the others around me. But what can I do? I can’t force myself to smile when I don’t feel like smiling. I can’t force myself to act bubbly when I don’t feel like it. The only thing I wish to do is to be myself and hope that others understand. And unfortunately, I don’t think anyone understands me.